A day in the life of a girl in Tights
by VesperChan
Summary: You read that right. Madara has no appreciation for what I do.


A day in the life of a girl in Tights...God that sounds so gay I think I want to puke. I wanted to call this A day in the life of pure kick ass, but this site has some stupid rule about not posting stories with titles that have curse words in them or something like that. I tried getting my author to screw the rule-regardless of her lack of money-but she's spineless about these things.

I told Sasuke about this the other day, about my author, and he said I was batshit crazy. Ha! Me, crazy? I'm the only smart on in this whole town, the only one who knows that we're all nothing more than hopeless puppets being strung along on the whims of a much more powerful master. But does anyone believe me? No. Bug asses.

I look up though sooty eyelashes as the blond kid rambles on some more without a pause for breath. If I'm lucky he'll pass out and dull the tidal-wave of piss he is spiting. Shit, if it wasn't for the stupid insurance I wouldn't bother with these types. Apparently-despite his good looks and money- he somehow ended up as an superhero Otaku.

I blink, bored as he keeps going and readjust the straps around my thighs. He is going off about stuff that happened in a comic book years ago and then compares that to something that happened in the news a week ago and then he compares it to something else that happened in an American cartoon.

Forget just being an otaku, this guy is king of the otakus!

I look up to the wall clock and curse when I see that its move another five minutes. I've been waiting with captain no life for over an hour now, and even if I did finish my job early, there is no excuse for his parents to be slacking off as much as they are.

Yeah...you look confused. Let me clear things up a bit. That names Sakura, but don't call me that. My job name is _Methuselah _or Meth for short, cause I'm awesome like that, baby. I'm not a superhero, I don't wear tights(the title is a lie!) or spandex or bright red capes that get stuck in jet fans, or save people for free. I'm more of an anti hero, a mercenary working for the Uchiha empire's insurance branch. Its all really simple. In this day and age, thugs and villains will do whatever they can for cash, and unfortunately for all the not-so-awesome humans out there with dough, kidnapping for ransom is at an all time high. For a sum, I work to rescue those dikes who find themselves holed up in a warehouse on the docks.

But for the love of all things bald and jolly, I don't get paid enough for this!

Before he can utter one more word about some superhero gossip concerning blonds and bras falling off in a fight I whip out my Rambo knife and dig the blade into the wooden table, shutting him up. I glare at him and he gulps, still smiling. I think he is a masochist.

"You said your parents would be here soon. Where are they, Naruko?"

"Its Naruto."

"Where are they, shit head?"

The blond blushed, poking his fingers together. "Ah, well, they should be here soon. I told them not to rush but they can't be much longer...even if I asked for it."

I blink, wanting to ram my head into the wall. "Give me your phone."

He reaches for it but I swipe it out before he can stretch across the table. I read the text message and frowned. Naruto had asked his parents to show up extra, extra late...like a hour and a half late. Why? Because he wanted to talk to the superhero.

I'm not a freaking superhero!

I sent one more text from his phone and then closed it. Naruto looked at me and then at his phone, and then at me again. "Are you going to give me my ce-"

"No."

"But it has my-"

"No."

"-Porn on it."

For the love of all things dipped in alcohol, you don't tell that to people without a hint of shame, even if your grandfather is the leader in erotic writings! You know this is how sex slavery stars. A dude wants a little action but is too fat and ugly to score himself, so he buys a nine year old who should not yet have any STDs. I think those sort of rescue missions are the only ones I'll do for free. I sort of hate men a lot-blame the child abuse, Oprah.

Unabashed, I dropped his phone on the floor next to my foot and dig my heal deep into the flaming orange thing. He looks shocked to see that, but when his eyes come to my face yet again they are wide with wonder.

"So cool!" he squeals.

What a dumb ass.

"How old are you?"

I want to fall out of my chair and then shoot myself in the face with one of my four guns. What kind of messed up asshead asks a girl named Methuselah her freaking age for buda's sake? How stupid can someone be? But in case you wanna know, I've been alive for eighty five years and awake and active for thirty seven. I flipped him the bird and he squeaked like a run over duck before blushing, his fingers held up to his lips. He's thinking something diry, I can tell! Damn him and damn this stupid job, I wanna kill him so bad!

Just when I think I can't take anything more the alarms go off, soft like a birds chirp that only I can hear. I stand up and pull my knife out with me. The screens set up outside the drop house tell me that the parents of humanities mistake are waiting outside. I let them in and unlock all the doors for them till they are in the main room, rushing to their son's side, crying and screaming and kissing like it was really such a big deal. The mom was bad but the dad didn't seem to have any pride at all.

Men...

I straighten up when I spot the family body guard as well as my old sort of somewhat friend. Kakashi waves and I nod. We've been acquainted for thirteen years and haven't attempted to kill each other yet, so I guess we are friends. Aside from that, he used to be with the Uchihas before his contract ran out.

"Hmmm...it looks like you are still in one piece," he comments in a low, musky voice that is only aided by the mask that acts as a muffler. His largest hound walks behind him, keeping his head down and his blue eyes wide. Kakashi is known for his pack of wolves-large dogs he corrects for the thirty ninth time. His code name is White Fang. Yeah, not as cool as mine, but that is a sad fact of life he will just have to learn to deal with.

"Just barely. I think I should be paid overtime for this. What took you so freaking long?"

Kakashi smiled at me though his mask and chuckles. I know I'm not going to like his answer even before he opens his mouth. "He wanted some time with you after he found out that Meth the sickness was taking care of him. He is a huge fan of your work."

"Greaaat." I gave him my best tired look before running a hand through my hair. I think I'm going to get a fohawk, short hair is so boring, even if it is pink. "Since your here, my job is done. I'm going home, don't text me unless your dead-I need my sleep."

Kakashi just smiles.

I slip my knife back into place on my thigh and check all my weapons. Dual katana, two, three, all four guns in place. Tear gas, grenades, flash bangs, and all my knives were ready. I wore a military designed catsuit made out of orb spider fibers that clung to my body like a second skin in sleek, sleek black. Only a bit of yellow on the sides gave me away, but that changed when I was in stealth mode.

Naruto must have seen me walking out with my yellow bikers helmet-the one with the vents on the top that look like cat ears and I cursed as he started to put up a fuss. Saying stuff like, no you can't leave yet, or you need to stay at our house in case I get kidnapped again was just a waste of my time. His father had to hold him back as I mounted my bike and flew out the forth floor window. Kakashi was chuckling.

I need a smoke.

I was in front of my apartment and jumping through the window-on my bike- when my phone goes off. I swerve in the hallway and stop_ And I wear my sunglasses at night So I can, so I can Forget my name while you collect your claim And I wear my sunglasses at night So I can, so I can See the light that's right before my eyessss_!

A reminder from the Head to be here and there at this and that time. I was busy reading the last bit of it when the hairs on the back of my neck stood up like little miniature spikes. My common sense was tingling! Pretending to be casual, I dismounted my possessed bike and walked into the living room with my phone open, pretending to read it. Absently I let all my weapons fall away so I can start to unzip my suit. I get the zipped down to the navel before the pervert behind the plant falls over with a bloody nose.

"Pedophile," I mutter, shutting my phone. I zipped back up and walked over to where Madara was stretched out, blood gushed all over his clothes. I know I'm old, but that is because of my cancer. Madara is a natural non ager. He is something like a hundred and twelve I think. No one knows.

"Sa-Sakura chan, you know how sensitive I am when you tease me like that," he whines, child like as always.

"Don't blame me if you were using invisibility. I swear, taking so many toys from the lab to spy on girls is amazingly low, even for you."

"B-But I don't spy on anyone but you! Ugh, not that I spy on you on purpose-cause I don't. I was just looking out for you." He pouts. "I'm your knight in shining armor after all. If I was an enemy you would be dead you know."

"Not if they were as perverted as you, then they would be passed out from blood loss." I set my things on the table and make sure everything is unclipped before heading into the bathroom to turn on the water. "Take care of my babies."

"Don't you respect me as your boss at all?"

"Nope."

"Even if I'm hot?"

"Back on the shelves behind the fake freezer and I just might let you live." I call down the hallway. I'm in my room pulling out something I can wear after my shower.

"I'll do it for a kiss!"

I come back down the hall with a sexy swing to my hips, my outfit open just enough to tease. I bat my eyelashes and press a hand to his chest. "Madara..." he licks his lips and swallows. "I'm gonna take a long hot shower, and when I come out I'm going to find all my junk put away. If its not, I'm ripping out your balls and stuffing them through your eye-sockets."

"I love it when you talk dirty with me Sakura."

Bang

Madara was passed out on the floor with a bump growing out of the back of his head.

* * *

_:For the record, I blame 15thBurningFiddle and her Bubblegum Sun._

Kudos to anyone who can tell me the fictional character I based Sakura off of. And I know it says Complete, but I just might add more stuff to it later on. I just don't want to be tied down with anything more.

_**Please Review!**_


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